Why Narcissists Have A Hard Time Asking For Forgiveness

From a distance, a narcissist who follows a laid out strategy can seem charming, confident and even caring. But there are some things that narcissists never do, especially when it comes to relationships. For example, you will never see them apologize or try to make amends for the damage they have caused, and they will never admit their mistakes. Experts in the matter believe that this is due to their egocentric and dominant approach, which often means a total lack of empathy.

In all relationships, whether they are romantic, platonic or family-related, disagreements and frictions are common. And besides this, it also happens that we insult or hurt someone without even being aware of it. In such cases, it is wise to ask for forgiveness in a sincere way, so that we can rebuild trust and learn from this experience. The goal is to make sure it does not happen again.

The more socially and emotionally intelligent you are, the more likely it is that you will not only ask for forgiveness, but that you will do so in the most effective way possible. A person who is emotionally competent and mature responds to different situations with honesty, openness and a desire to put things right.

But what happens when we are dealing with narcissists? Surveys, such as the one conducted by Joost M. Leunissen and Constantine Sedikides at the University of Southampton, provide a clear answer. Narcissists do not always have a bad conscience for the wrongs they commit. 

This means that even though they feel socially pressured to repair the damage, they also experience an internal conflict and even anguish when they are forced to do so. The reason for this is that they wrestle with their own will.

Masterson (1981) points out that narcissism can occur to varying degrees. At the bottom of the scale is what we consider “normal”. People who are at this level have, in a sense, control over their self-esteem. On the other hand, we find at the other end of the spectrum a morbid condition known as narcissistic personality disorder.

People with narcissistic personality disorder need to build and monitor their inflated self-image. It is their way of protecting their fragile and broken interior. More than anything else, they want to project infallibility and superiority.

What happens when narcissists commit a crime? What happens e.g. when their partner accuses them of being disrespectful or selfish? The truth is simple: narcissists cannot take responsibility for anything. Otherwise, they would have to confront the image of perfection that they strive so hard to uphold.

Andrew P. Morrison is an expert on narcissistic personalities. In his introduction to the Essential Papers on Narcissism , he claims that the narcissists’ main goal is to find a “mirror person”. In other words, they want someone who always agrees with them.

• Narcissists prefer to hang out with people who constantly remind them of their merits. They want everyone to be like the mirror Snow White’s wicked stepmother used. Every day the mirror told the queen that she was the most beautiful in the country.
• If you tell narcissists how they have made mistakes or hurt someone, it is almost impossible to get them to ask for forgiveness.
• The reason for this is that they do not feel any guilt. Narcissists lack empathy. Therefore, they simply cannot understand why another person feels hurt or worried.
• Also, because narcissists see relationships as a means to an end, they see no problem in telling the other person that it is their problem.

As you probably understand, this kind of dynamic can easily ruin a romantic relationship.

We know that narcissists do not apologize. Therefore, the situation can become even more complicated and contradictory.

• It may not seem like it, but narcissists also have a hard time. They suffer a lot, because they always feel frustrated and bitter. Their low self-esteem makes them constantly fight to seize the biggest weapon and the most impressive trophy.
• Their need to appear perfect and effective in addition to their vanity, often causes them to run straight into the wall to a reality where this kind of attitude is not tolerated.
• If you ask a narcissist to apologize for a particular situation, he will make you feel like it’s your fault. Why? Because he does not understand, because he views the situation differently or because people will think he is weak or clueless if he apologizes.

Without realizing it, a narcissist can go on the counterattack faster than you can blink. Do not forget that narcissists are skilled at manipulating. Therefore, it may end up that you are the one who apologizes instead.

We should recall what we have previously stated. There are many different types of narcissists. At the top of the spectrum we find narcissistic psychopaths. These are people who seem completely functional and normal. But they are also very good at hurting others emotionally.

• Narcissists need professional help. They need therapeutic interventions that help them with such things as antisocial thinking, self-esteem, the illusion of superiority, acceptance of their own shortcomings, empathy, etc. They need to be fully aware of how they are hurting others with their behavior and attitude.

• If you need to deal with narcissists in your daily life, then you have only two options. You can either act respectfully or not. Furthermore, you can help them change and seek professional advice, or you can consider distancing yourself from them.

Many cases are due to the type of narcissism. There are large variations along the spectrum. So do not give up, because there are many different solutions. If you have a family member, partner or friend who exhibits these traits, help him understand the effect of his actions and encourage him to seek help.