You Know My Name, Not My Story
Many claim that they know us. The same people who talk to us, but who do not listen or see. Those who place us in stereotypical compartments. In this host of quick assessments, patient senses are not very common. Patient senses who can understand the struggle behind a face, the story behind the name.
In the book Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, he explains that the human brain is a social organ. Therefore, relationships with individuals are vital to our own survival. Despite this, Goleman points to another element, which is that we are often “painfully social”.
These social interactions are not always beneficial, nor is a positive effort we can use to learn and grow. To our great surprise, the deadliest enemy of man today is our own species. A threat that is only comparable to burning fuel.
We are all like ships crossing the oceans. Sometimes in calm, sometimes in storm. Inside us and hanging from the anchor of this beautiful ship hangs and fights our inner battles. Struggles we try to move forward with at all costs. Fights that make us run aground, without knowing what’s going on. What hinders or hurts us.
Putting a label on someone is above all giving up our perception of the person. To let go of the chance to discover what lies behind my gaze, my face, my name. Achieving this state of subtle human interaction requires, after all, three things: genuine interest, emotional openness, and quality time.
We are well aware that many of the therapeutic approaches we work with focus on current possibilities, on what is “here and now”, where the past does not establish who we are. But whether we like it or not, people consist of stories, of experimental pieces, of chapters that form a past action that we are the result of.
A past does not define our destiny, we know so much, but it is the silhouette of the hero or heroine we are today. That process, the personal story that we overcame with great pride, is something not everyone knows. Something that we in turn choose to share with only a few. For this reason, mutual respect is the only thing we can ask for in our daily lives.
Imagine a fictional person for a moment. Her name is Maria. She is 57 years old. A few months ago, she started working in a store. Her co-workers branded her as bitter, reserved and boring. Someone who avoids your gaze when trying to start a conversation with her. Very few people know her personal story: Maria was beaten for over 20 years. Now, having recently separated from her partner, she has returned to working life after a long time.
If you engage in quick assessments, it is easy to stamp. Maria is very aware of how others see her. She knows she needs time. If there is one thing she really does not want, it is that others should feel sorry for her. She does not have to tell her story. She does not have to do it if she does not want to. All she needs is for the people around her to change focus for their attention.
Instead of just focusing our interest on others, making quick analyzes that lead to classic stereotypes to define what sets them apart from ourselves , we need to be able to disconnect judgments and activate empathy. This dimension and no one else is what makes us “people”, and not just people living in the same space.
We must not forget that empathy has a very special purpose in our emotional brain: to understand the reality of others to guarantee our survival. We must learn to be emotional enablers rather than energy-consuming predators, mood-pickers, and eradicators of self-esteem.
Sometimes we all have to fight difficult battles. We are much more than our ID card, our CV or our academic diplomas. We are stardust, as Carl Sagan once said, our destiny is to shine, but sometimes we choose to extinguish the light of others. Let us avoid this and invest more in respect, sensitivity and altruism.
