Say What I Would Do, Not What You Would Do

Loneliness is something good when you are overwhelmed. It’s bad when you finally want to talk and have accumulated doubts. To express in words what we need, long for, wish for us and our most whimsical whims, without having anyone by our side. You end up calling someone because the sofa, blanket and ice cream do not serve as a lifeline. We tried with them, but they did not clear up any of our doubts or questions.

So we look at our phones, search through the contact list and think about who we should call, who we can ventilate for. When the names appear, so do the answers.  In most cases, with most people, we can guess what they will say to us. With others, we know we will not get any answers. They will not have time to have a cup of coffee, or they will listen to us while mentally doing something else.

I’m telling you so you can offer me warmth so you can understand that I’m going through a difficult period. So that you know it makes me very angry, a accumulated courage that makes me cry in hidden corners and curl up between the sheets during a perfect, sunny day. I do not need to hear that you have warned me or what to do. I know that “smart you” had never put you in this situation.

But you do not have my fears, my demons, my hopes and my dreams – personal and non-transferable – to take the reins of my life. It’s me who does it, even though I sometimes relinquish responsibility and want to throw myself out the window. “Take me for a fool” . Although I can sometimes have a crazy mood, I do not play with important aspects. I am serious with important problems. I would never have done it if I did not think it was best for my goals. Even though it ended in disaster which now makes my tears flow.

I do not need to be scolded by you, I already have a conscience that I can not keep quiet about right now, not even if I am exposed to the worst of torture. It screams louder than my ability to ignore it. Insistent, stubborn, tireless. It’s so obvious it’s mine. Don’t laugh either, because it’s not fun. If you think you are doing things better or less seriously by doing so, you are wrong. All you do is make me feel even more insignificant, and I already feel very small.

I also do not want to know what you would do in my position. At least not before I feel it, before I’m sure you understand me, that you have not only stepped into my shoes, but into all that I am. Maybe if I feel that you are willing to bear the difficulties they bring. Then maybe you can help me evaluate some options – to say what I would do – but without returning to your initial position.

Also, do not think that I’m going to listen to you because I’ve been wrong before. It does not give your criteria and assessments higher value than mine in the present. Do not forget that I have not given up the responsibility of accepting what happened or what may happen. They are independent decisions. And yes, you may have to witness me make another mistake, but… I did not do the same for you?

Hug me. It seems like I have to say it all out loud. Forgive me, forget it, it’s just a product of my bad mood. But you can still hug me. Right now it will calm me down considerably. I’ll even leave you alone, now that you’ve spent quite a bit of time carrying all my burdens. I’ll let you return to your initial point and tell me what worries you, what you long for, what you would kill for or even if you’re just hungry. For the latter , I have some ice cream left, do you want?