To You Who Left Without Saying Goodbye

To you who left without saying goodbye. After sharing so much (or at least that was what I thought) you reduced everything to something so insignificant. I still do not understand how you could go from hot to cold in a few seconds. You lost your light in one day. The words you used to show consideration turned into bullets.

Yes, it’s for you. When did you change and how could I avoid noticing it? How is it possible that I continued to believe that your love was genuine and true? Why did you not tell me when you discovered that our defense mechanisms were no longer working? That we were no longer protected?

I am left with no answer, with a thousand doubts and with a creeping feeling of guilt. One day I thought it was my fault, then both of us, or maybe just the time or the routine… Other days I realize that walking around these circles will only make me more upset, hurt me even more. Although these thoughts also keep you alive, even if it’s just in my memories.

To you yes. You who constituted a future with me. Which made me dream of travel, magical moments and unconditional support. Which included me in your daily life, in your new projects, even in your fantasies.

In fact,  you  were the one who encouraged our plans.  D u was the one who reminded me of the beauty we had, the one who said that nothing and no one could separate us. You were the one who told me that all you needed was how I made you feel. Sometimes calm and peaceful, sometimes passionate and full of desire. I motivated you and told you how much I valued you.

I refuse to believe that you are capable of erasing all that in the blink of an eye. Not just what we said to each other, but everything we showed through gestures and embraces. The desire to take the world by storm, to cuddle on the couch with closed eyes. Holding hands and kissing, surrounding us with joy, laughing until we died and holding back our anxiety. To swipe his hand over the bed, even if it was only a few millimeters, to make sure the other was there when we woke up. I refuse to believe that all this is gone.

I know it’s possible, I can not ignore it. But  I find it impossible to believe that the happy moments are over. Call me naive or ignorant. Our emotions have great power over us and I have the bad habit of giving in to them.

To you, who left without saying goodbye. This letter is for you,  the burning letter born of love I never thought could end.

I still do not understand where the crack came from. The indifference, this desire to end everything until there was nothing that held us together anymore. But what destroys me is the insecurity of not knowing your causes, and your unwillingness to try to understand. It was the first time a storm shook us like that.

“Quarreling” is a verb that strengthens couples,  at least couples who have grown from their mistakes. They would not consider abandoning the ship at the first sign of trouble. Those who know that endurance makes them stronger also know that the excitement subsides and that love develops. However, it is still possible to revive the flame.

I’m sorry but I do not understand. It is impossible to close a door without a lock or key and you were the one who opened it. The hardest part is that you do not even consider the option of fixing things or at least talking about what went wrong.

Do not think now that I regret giving you a year of my life. I know at some point I did something that did not match what you wanted,  but you have to tell me. I’m not perfect. A word, a gesture, a small hint. Anything that could show what you felt in response to my naive actions. Unfortunately, I do not have a crystal ball.

I beg your pardon. I never meant to hurt you. I’m terribly sorry if I did. But I still do not understand the abruptness of the situation. At least not this first time. If it had happened before, it might have been easier. Or if negative emotions had built up over time. But it was today when you took my hand, said you loved me and told us about your dreams. Then you canceled it overnight.

To you yes. You who left without saying goodbye. I speak to you for your absence haunts me and hurts me. It feels like emptiness is only growing. Because I love you, I miss you and I know you will miss me.