When Someone Else Shows Up

At the most unexpected times, at work, at a party, dinner with friends, someone shows up who catches our attention. Suddenly we find ourselves at an intersection if we are already with someone but feel attracted to someone we have just started to get to know.

We do not control who we fall in love with or who attracts us. We may have been with someone for decades when someone else suddenly shows up. Someone different that makes us tick and feel excited again.

We get nervous, our palms get sweaty, we stutter, we fumble and our hearts beat faster.

A study by researchers at American universities (Columbia University, Indiana University, University of Kentucky-Lexington) examined 160 women who had been married for 19-56 years or whose relationship lasted for more than three years. 70% said that at some point they had been attracted to another person who was not their partner.

Most of the women (70%) experienced the attraction in a work environment, which is not surprising because it has been proven that the more time we spend with someone, the more attracted we become to them. A study published in Psychology Science called “Leveling the Playing Field” found that attraction often increases over time.

But the fact that we are attracted to someone else when we have a partner does not necessarily mean that the marriage or relationship is over. Usually, this type of situation helps us to see the problems in our relationship and perhaps helps us to appreciate our partner more.

The question is: why do we become attracted to another person when we have a partner? Here are some reasons:

When we are in a relationship for a long time and have lived with the person, the pleasure of the news disappears. We get into a routine of everyday life, and over time we stop feeling the attraction we had in the beginning, and the moment of surprise disappears.

Furthermore, over time, and after the idealization of our partner has ceased, we realize the shortcomings of their virtues, that we have different tastes and clouds of unrest and that our dreams oppose each other. This sometimes generates contradictions and even boredom.

However, we see the other person we have met, and he attracts us as something fresh, new, different, engaging, interesting and motivating.

The monotony of our relationships can lead us to look for other things outside, but we must be careful and not believe that it is love, when in fact it is attraction we have in front of us.

We should not confuse attraction with love, because love is much more – it is desire, it is friendship, it is caring for the other, feeling what the other feels and respect.

When we feel attracted to someone new, we pass through the love phase; we fantasize about their qualities and do not see their shortcomings. We do not really know who this person really is or what it would be like to live with him. It can also be that we miss attraction for love.

During a crisis with our partner where we meet someone new, we will see all possible defects in our partner. All the qualities that used to seem lovable now seem disgusting, we may think that he or she is a boring person, unbearable etc. Everything negative will be magnified.

We are attracted to another person, we see all the defects in our partner, we know this and ask ourselves the question: what should I do?

1. Analyze how well you know the new person who has come into your life. You may feel passion, friendship, love and / or the need for something new.

2. Examine in detail how you feel about your partner. It is possible that something may not be working and that it is time to talk about it. Communication is vital between partners, and what we keep quiet about often hurts us. Even if you only see the negative sides of your partner when you meet someone else, it is necessary to make an effort to see the positive things to remember why you like the person and what attracted you to him or her.

3. Take time to think. Maybe you need time alone, to think, to get to know yourself and make peace with yourself. Loneliness is a good advisor.

4. Talk to your partner. Say what bothers you; you need to do this to change and share your feelings.

And most importantly: be happy!